Wisconsin II

So I'm back in Wisconsin. The trip here was as uneventful as 9 hours on a charter bus can be; which means I played Threshiold RPG until my laptop battery died, then slept til we pulled up to the hotel. There were six people, including myself, on the massive bus which was awesome for comfort and even better for my determination to socialize as little as possible. 

Day 1 (Sunday): arrived around 4 (gained an hour traveling west) and walked a mile to get my mind right. Bought some raisins and water at the drugstore on the way back. Stayed in my room the rest I the night hyped on pain meds.

Day 2 (Monday): Up at 10 since class first start til 1. Class for 4 hours, and there is so much info I feel like my brain is gonna explode. Still not feeling well physically either but I hung out with my coworkers long enough for 2 beers and some pizza (free dinner!). MNF in Threshold RPG then bed. 

Day 3 (Tuesday): Up at 6 for class. LOTS of info but I'm excited about all the possibilities. Training site has horrible reception. Phone died around 1 pm. Out of class, grabbed some free pizza and beelined to my room. Threshold RPG and adult swim til bedtime. 

Day 4 (Wednesday): Can't get out of bed... up at 6:45. Another ton of info in class. I'm glad I have a book because even with my notes, there is no way  i'm going to remember half of this! Hung out with coworkers for one beer. No appetite so I passed on the free pizza. Played Threshold RPG til bedtime. 

Day 5 (Thursday): Get in the bus heading to class and I'm bombarded with questions of why I haven't been out to dinner with the coworkers and why I cut out on happy hour so early. Can't think of a diplomatic way to say FUCK OFF so I blame it on cramps (that excuse works for every time) and sit by myself at the back of the bus. Information overload in class because its the last day and we still had 200 pages to cover. But we got thru it and my brain is still intact. I was actually in the mood to hang out but all of my coworkers were exhausted from their daily drinking binges, so no one wanted to hang out. I spent the evening playing Threshold RPG. 

Day 6 (Friday):  Blessed Friday!  Only 3.5 hours of class but still have to stay in Wisconsin until tomorrow morning. I'm going to end this now since the remainder of the day/night will consist of me playing Threshold RPG until I go to bed and tomorrow will consist of a long bus ride, followed by game night excess. 

What are your earliest memories?

Someone posted his earliest memory in a blog and it triggered the rewind switch on my brain.

My earliest memory (of which I am unsure is a true memory or something my young brain made up) is of me being carried on my dad's shoulders as we returned home from a walk somewhere. My four older brothers were running around us, laughing and pushing each other.

This memory always stands out for me. Not just because I can't decide if it is an actual memory or a dream, but because of the age I would have been *if* this is an actual memory. Two of my older brothers died when I was 2 and my parents divorced soon afterward, stealing away another brother. Rick is my dad's son from a previous relationship so when my parents split, Rick went with dad while James and I went with mom.

If I spend any time analyzing this memory (or dream), I would conclude this may have formed my aversion to bonding with people. But I spend enough time overanalyzing everything else in my life to waste any time on that.

My mom avoids talking about the time she and my dad were married. And the pain shown in her eyes from the memories of tragically losing two children keeps me from pushing the matter. I have a difficult time talking to my dad about anything (that's a whole other blog post!) and James becomes overwhelmed with guilt and grief at the mention of anything in that era. So I am left on my own to figure out if it's a true memory or just the memory of a potent dream.

A message from my (former) manager

My manager is leaving. I'm kinda sad about it. I'll bounce back, I'm sure. I've been here for almost 5 years and I've had 5 managers. Anyway, she gave us this as parting words and I felt it very much worth sharing. Enjoy!

Carrots, Eggs & Coffee!

A carrot, an egg, and a cup of coffee...You will never look at a cup of coffee the same way again.

A young woman went to her mother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up; she was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed as one problem was solved, a new one arose.

Her mother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to boil. In the first she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and in the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes she turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She pulled the eggs out and placed them in a bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out and placed it in a bowl. Turning to her daughter, she asked, ' Tell me what you see.'

'Carrots, eggs, and coffee,' she replied.

Her mother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. The mother then asked the daughter to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard boiled egg.

Finally, the mother asked the daughter to sip the coffee. The daughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma. The daughter then asked, 'What does it mean, mother?'

Her mother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity: boiling water. Each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior, but after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee beans were unique, however. After they were in the boiling water, they had changed the water.

'Which are you?' she asked her daughter. 'When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

Think of this: Which am I? Am I the carrot that seems strong, but with pain and adversity do I wilt and become soft and lose my strength?

Am I the egg that starts with a malleable heart, but changes with the heat? Did I have a fluid spirit, but after a death, a breakup, a financial hardship or some other trial, have I become hardened and stiff? Does my shell look the same, but on the inside am I tough with a stiff spirit and hardened heart?

Or am I like the coffee bean? The bean actually changes the hot water, the very circumstance that brings the pain. When the water gets hot, it releases the fragrance and flavor. If you are like the bean, when things are at their worst, you get better and change the situation around you. When the hour is the darkest and trials are their greatest do you elevate yourself to another level? How do you handle adversity? Are you a carrot, an egg or a coffee bean?

May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human and enough hope to make you happy. The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes a long their way. The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; you can't go forward in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

BItter Single Moms; why are we this way?

I admit it. I was a bitter single mom for years. Many years. Why? Because men who don't stop up to the plate make us bitter. Because men who want to be daddy until the relationship sours (whether through divorce or otherwise), then move on to the next woman make us this way. Well, in my situation it was because the (first) man I loved and planned out my wedding and future with told me one day that he didn't think he wanted to get married. Okay, well we have this child and he was a great dad, until he found another woman who he married. After which, his family came first and somehow his 1st born daughter didn't fit into the family equation with his new wife and kids. Okay, fast forward. I have a couple more kids with the same results -- dads who want to make babies but not make families. So, I move on. I stop having kids after number three. I petition the court for child support and I really did move on. And when I say I moved on, I mean with a clear conscious. I didn't badmouth them to my kids, I wasn't trying to be all up in their lives. As long as the child support came (on time), they never heard from me about anything. Once my children became of an age where they could make their own decisions about whether they wanted a relationship with their fathers or not, I let them decide. My son had a good relationship with his father and extended paternal family until his teenage years (when no one knew what to do with him!), my daughters had love/hate relationships with their fathers because they were consistently let down by them. Promises made and broken, holidays passed without visits, games and competitions not attended. So eventually, my daughters came to a point where they didn't respect their fathers and chose not to be involved with them. And so it was, but now I'm bitter all over. My daughter now has a daughter and she's reiterating all of the things about her baby's father that I once said to my girlfriends (and myself) about her father. He uses the baby to manipulate my daughter into letting him live in the apartment she pays rent and utilities for because he "can't bear to be away from his daughter." But this man won't keep a job to provide for his daughter. My daughter finally got fed up enough to put his ass out and now he calls her to say, "what are you doing?" when he should be worried only about what his daughter is doing. He hasn't bought his daughter anything (clothes, diapers, food, shoes) in eight months, and his reasoning is "everybody buys her stuff, she doesn't need anything." I wouldn't say anything is wrong with that reasoning if he was bring anything to the table because they are fortunate enough that so many people love his child that they are seeing to it she doesn't go without. The point of that, though, is so the parents can then use their money to pay bills -- which he doesn't do! Since my daughter put him out, he's living back in his mother's basement not working or paying bills and the child support office is stalling with serving him papers because they can't verify he lives there - with his mama! So anyway, I've held my tongue long enough. It's been 2.5 years. I told my daughter to stop asking him for anything. To stop making him think she needs him because she doesn't. Women have been raising kids on their own for centuries, so it can be done. And she is fortunate that she has an extended family that is willing to help without being asked. But she's prideful (and stubborn) so she'd rather try to make him grow up and be a man and father than to ask her family to help her out when funds run short. I get it, honest I do. I've been there. I think all single mothers have been there. You don't want the people you care most about to know that you've gotten a burden you can't bear... but those are exactly the people in the best position to help you. Okay, enough of this for now. I have school work to do or I'll be a bitter single mom (with all adult children now) who flunks out of college.

If you have to hide it, it isn't worth it...

I recently had a conversation with a friend of mine, we'll call him Tyrone. He and his girlfriend just broke up and he wanted to talk about it. I only had a term paper, quiz, and laundry to do so I said, "Sure, I'm not busy." Now I wish I had recorded the conversation so I could accurately relay it back to you, but hindsight... anyway! Tyrone and his girlfriend were arguing (as they were known to do) about something totally unrelated when Tyrone says, "Shaniqua hasn't been here in months!"

{{SCReeeCH!}}

Girlfriend knows Shaniqua is Tyrone's ex. Girlfriend didn't know Shaniqua had ever been to Tyrone's new house, or even knew where Tyrone lives since he moved about 6 months into his relationship with girlfriend. So now, guess what? They are arguing about Shaniqua.

Girlfriend: "What do you mean Shaniqua has been here?"
Tyrone: "It was only a couple of times."
Girlfriend: "What happened to you not even wanting her to know where you live?"
Tyrone: "She just stopped by...."
Girlfriend: "How could she just "stop by" if she doesn't know where you live?"
Tyrone: "This is exactly why I didn't tell you. I knew you'd respond this way."

{{{SCReeeCH!}}

My sage advise to Tyrone (and anyone else who may find themselves in this situation), "If you knew she would react badly, you knew you were doing wrong." If you're about to do "something" and the thought enters your mind that you can't tell your partner what you're about to do, then you really shouldn't do that "something." Otherwise it's just a problem (maybe insurmountable) that is waiting to be discovered.

So says me!